The Spiral
My immediate reaction to the bombshell exploding, was to cope, cope, cope. "Right, we're not going to have a place to live or jobs, let me research and plan where we might live and what jobs we might have..."
It's how I attempt to protect myself against the horrible feeling of grief; the anger, the despair, and the sadness. It doesn't make it go away, it just makes it happen in more manageable bites. Because after my coping and planning, when I do turn the corner in the spiral staircase I am climbing OUT of this misery, when I return back to the place of such pain, I am at least another flight up, a little further away from the original site of the blast. In this way, when I have a period of sitting with my grief, when I feel it lying heavily on me as I wake up in the morning - at least I have a plan, at least I'm not falling without a net.
That said, it's still hard. I woke early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep again, I dozed and tried to sleep, but mostly I just felt sad. I have some 'what if's which aren't helpful but still hurt; what if I'd been clearer with my work about NEEDING this before April 2017, would they have started faster? What if, what if...
I try to meditate, or at least to observe what I'm feeling rather than letting it drive me mad, but it's hard in the moment. I feel anxious, and I feel tearful.
I got up today with such a strong sense of "I don't want to leave here" and "I can't bear it" that it's hard to be a grownup at work. But at least it's not as shocking as it was a day after the news. It doesn't stop up my breath the way it did at first. I still feel sick, I still feel anxious, but in tiny increments, it becomes something I am more used to bearing.
It's how I attempt to protect myself against the horrible feeling of grief; the anger, the despair, and the sadness. It doesn't make it go away, it just makes it happen in more manageable bites. Because after my coping and planning, when I do turn the corner in the spiral staircase I am climbing OUT of this misery, when I return back to the place of such pain, I am at least another flight up, a little further away from the original site of the blast. In this way, when I have a period of sitting with my grief, when I feel it lying heavily on me as I wake up in the morning - at least I have a plan, at least I'm not falling without a net.
That said, it's still hard. I woke early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep again, I dozed and tried to sleep, but mostly I just felt sad. I have some 'what if's which aren't helpful but still hurt; what if I'd been clearer with my work about NEEDING this before April 2017, would they have started faster? What if, what if...
I try to meditate, or at least to observe what I'm feeling rather than letting it drive me mad, but it's hard in the moment. I feel anxious, and I feel tearful.
I got up today with such a strong sense of "I don't want to leave here" and "I can't bear it" that it's hard to be a grownup at work. But at least it's not as shocking as it was a day after the news. It doesn't stop up my breath the way it did at first. I still feel sick, I still feel anxious, but in tiny increments, it becomes something I am more used to bearing.
Comments
Post a Comment